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Translated by Marie-Elaine Guay
The following article is taken from our #26 issue: Spécial Médias Sociaux.
To read “35 rules on Facebook” in french : FB étiquettes
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1. Writing in English
If you’re a “yes, no, toaster” kind of bilingual, don’t bother, for Christ’s sake!
2. Uploading a mobile photo of your meal while you’re still at the restaurant.
Perhaps you think of yourself as a sophisticated individual but the truth is, no one gives a shit what goes in your mouth – literally.
3. Updating your status only to find out a few hours later that nobody cared, leading you to comment on it yourself, or worst, beg for attention by writing “Hello? Anyone???” under your own boring post.
Everybody thinks you’re a loser. Even you do.
4. Posting statuses that contain an average of two spelling mistakes per word.
Instead of wasting your time suggesting friends and pages to us, we suggest you get your ass back to school and learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Tanck.you.
5. Using SMS lingo “OMG GURL 2 HOT 4EVER LUV LOL!!!!” in your status updates.
Are you a foetus? Use words.
6. Namedropping your local celebrities friends and using nicknames to show everyone how close to them you are.
Your adoptive parents don’t even love you.
7. Posting proverbs and old sayings.
“The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes” – Most of us have access to the middle pink pages in the dictionary, but thanks for sharing.
8. “Like” everything a certain person posts.
You’re like an heterosexual man with a small dog: annoying and insecure.
9. Twitter on Facebook
Posting your tweets on Facebook? NO. RT # wedontgiveashit
10. Posting incredibly gay things likes : “If you are lucky enough to
have a beautiful husband and amazing children, make this your status
update”
Shouldn’t you be keeping an eye on those amazing children of yours instead of boring us with your suburban life?
11.Write that you’re “sooo hungover” every Sunday.
Unless you woke up with Mickey Rourke’s dick in your mouth, don’t bother telling us about it. P.s drink some gatorade and swallow a couple of vitamins, we’ve all been there.
12. Keeping everyone informed in regards to your depressed mental state.
Being depressed happens to best of us. We pop some Omega 3 and watch CSI:Miami and eventually feel better. But do keep telling us about it, it makes our day.
13.Taking the time to write “this party is IN-SA-NE!” while you’re at said party.
Of course that party must be real IN-SA-NE if you took the time to turn on your phone, open the Facebook app and type it all up.
14. Pretend your commercial profile is a human being
When “Arby’s delicious hamburgers” tries to add us as a friend, we’ll gladly press “Ignore”
15. Having a couple’s profile
It’s hard to explain how we feel when “Jill & Frank” try and add us as a friend.
16. Changing your name to something “street”
Miiss Gooolld Liiciious, it’s time for a reality check. You’re not from the Bronx, you’re from Laval.
17. Having a car as your profile pic
You’re not a car.
18. A bunch of people on your profile pic
Which one are you? Probably the ugliest one.
19. Webcam
If we’re still your facebook friend after seeing your latest photo album consisting of shitty webcam shots of yourself, it’s only because we want to point and laugh at how ridiculous you are. If you wrote something under those photos in Lucinda Handwriting, you’re most likely to be our desktop background.
20. Baby pics
Dear you, congratulations on having that baby but please quit documenting it’s every shit or else it’s going to turn into Justin Bieber.
21. Choose “not attending” for an event invitation and then write on the event’s wall that you’ll be in Berlin that day.
Even after drinking 4 pints of care juice, we still wouldn’t give a shit.
22. Choose “attending” for an event you actually have no intention to attend.
R.I.P (you may self-combust)
23. Assail your friends with event promo
They won’t come to your shitty DJ night.
24. Quizzes
Dear little cousin : We don’t care what kind of kisser you are, how “bad” you are or if you “got the skillz to pay the billz”. P.S You’re hidden.
25. Getting in touch with someone you haven’t seen for 13 years by writing : “Omg, It’s been so long let’s get coffeeeee!” on their wall.
High school reunions exist for a reason.
26. “Where is the dislike button?”
It.is.not.funny.
27. Compose long, graphic and personal messages on the walls of people you barely knew in high school who probably didn’t even like you back then. Example: “Hey man, how are you? I have two little girls, Bianca 7yo and Christina 9 ½ yo. They grow up so fast! I’m divorced but I’m getting by. Call me 450-666-4546 and we can catch up. P.S call me call me call me!”
Please get a grip.
28. Not having a wall
It’s sketchy. What are you hiding?
29. Not having a wall
Ok, we just found out it’s because we’ve been blocked! Fucker.
30. Playing Farmville, Mafia wars and all that shit.
You probably also love D&D and Magic cards. I guess it’s okay.
31. Stalking your ex (whom you still love) by looking at what events he/she is attending.
Right, you loooove that Glitch-Dub stuff.
32. Instantly “add as a friend” the guy who made out with your BFF.
Wait til he knocks her up, at the very least!
33. Start a conversation on Facebook Chat and wait for the other person to keep it interesting.
If you don’t do it over the phone, don ’t do it on the interwebs.
34. Being “In a relationship”
Chill OUT sisterfriend. You may regret it just like that playboy bunny tattoo you got done on your lower back.
35. Staying Facebook friends with an ex for the sake of maturity.
We know you ain’t that busy working on various “projects”. The glaring white light of the truth is that you’re hurting like hell. We know it, he knows it.